An Emotional Roller Coaster - Anxiety and Panic.

I recently wrote this blog post for an assignment, just to get my thoughts out. I realise that a lot of people suffer from anxiety and other mental illnesses, and I want you to know that you are not alone. Suffering from something like anxiety can be incredibly scary and as this is my own personal blog, I thought I may as well let you all inside my mind a little bit, so you can get to know me better.

Before you read the post I wrote, here is some basic information on anxiety and panic.

Anxiety is a mental illness. There are many different types of anxiety… generalized anxiety, phobia, obsessive compulsive disorder, social anxiety and anxiety attacks.

When you panic Adrenaline is released, thus causing your heart to beast faster, and your muscles to tense. We breathe in more oxygen, which our muscles use to turn sugar into energy, Blood is diverted to the muscles, making you pale and light headed. This also causes you to shake. Our digestive system shuts down, making your throat dry and making you feel sick. Your senses are heightened, you become more aware of sounds and smells around you.When adrenalin floods your body, it can cause a number of different physical and emotional sensations that may affect you during a panic attack:

- Shortness of breath or hyperventilation - Heart palpitations or a racing heart - Chest pain or discomfort - Trembling or shaking - Choking feeling - Feeling unreal or detached from your surroundings Before Carrying on with this post, I would just like to make it clear that I am not a professional but am purely just sharing my thoughts and experiences.

- Sweating - Nausea or upset stomach - Feeling dizzy, light-headed, or faint - Numbness or tingling sensations - Hot or cold flashes - Fear of dying, losing control, or going crazy

“I have always been a very anxious person. As a child I would vomit at the thought of going to school. Mum would have to drag me to the car, I would place all of my body weight into my feet, trying to fight my mother's strength.

As a child I would sit in the school office all day, it was the only place I wouldn't scream and cry, the office lady would hand me notices to take to classes, even that I couldn't handle. The thought of entering a class of older people terrified me.

I didn't sleep well until the age of 15, every night would be sleepless, my mind whizzing with thoughts I just couldn't seem to fathom.

I got very nervous before big events; things like swimming sports and cross-country were a definite no no.

Anxiety is a terrible emotion to feel, I find it sneaks up on me and attacks when I could really do without it. Anxiety is a different feeling to one of “nerves”. I get nervous before a speech, I get nervous before an exam, but I have learnt to differentiate between being nervous and being anxious. For me when I feel nervous, the feeling sits at the bottom of my stomach, it tingles and makes me feel a bit nauseous, sometimes, it’s even mixed with excitement. Anxiety isn't like that. Anxiety sits tight, I can feel it sitting between my ribs, right in the centre, just below my chest. Its just there, it doesn't tingle or move around, it stays strong, only expanding. Anxiety is like electricity that surges uncontrollably, pulsating, constantly searching for an outlet.

Even when I have nothing to be anxious about I sometimes still feel sick to my stomach as I cant get my head around the fact that I have nothing to worry about. It doesn't register that I am okay, it searches and searches until it naturally just stays.

Anxiety isn’t a pleasant feeling; it makes my body ache and my stomach churn.

Sometimes the casual grind of anxiety is with me from dawn to dusk, other days it doesn't raise its head at all.

A lot of people struggle to differentiate between worry/stress and anxiety. You worry about paying the bills, you worry about a family member in hospital, you worry about exam marks and you worry about a first date. Anxiety is cold to the core, it rips through you, abrupt and angry. I find it hard to pinpoint what I feel anxious about. Some people can tell very simply; a crowded place, phone conversations, a concert. For me it’s very generalized, half the time I don’t really know myself what brings my anxiety on.

School is a very large part of my anxiety though, this I know. I am constantly worried about getting good grades and juggling this and that. Assessments, extra curricular activities and work, while trying to have a social life. I am able to hide my feelings reasonably well, that’s until I go into panic mode.

Anxiety in general is pretty easy to get your head around, apart from when people decide that you should be able to just “stop worrying” oh how I wish it was that simple. The thing is, once I start thinking about something that is troubling me, it’s very hard to stop. I can try to think of other things, but somehow my mind always jolts back to where it was before. Constant, constant, constant.

I tend to over-think things a lot, which causes me to stress out. “What if I’m doing this wrong? Are they talking about me? I’m failing them!”

The thoughts whirl around in my brain like a hurricane, so when people say to me “just stop worrying, there’s nothing to worry about” I grow frustrated, because I know that, yet my mind doesn't.

Anxiety is a full body experience, it’s a ripple effect, It travels from the brain to the stomach, to the tips of my toes. When my over-thinking and whirling mind gets overwhelmed, that is when I panic.

Panic is caused by “fight or flight”. This is when adrenaline is released, as your body believes it is in a life or death situation. Once my body begins to go into panic mode, it is very hard to get it to calm down; it is like a sudden feeling of dread, the sudden urge to push my way through to the nearest exit. To understand panic you have to understand fear. Fear is an automatic alarm response. Think about it. If you were approached by a ravenous lion you would be scared right? You would go into a state of shock and panic. This is a survival mechanism. But when you suffer from anxiety these alarms go off regularly, except they are false alarms. You experience the intense feeling of fear and panic like you might under realistic danger, but under circumstances where it may not be as usual to experience this. It is like somebody ringing the fire alarm when there is no fire.

Many people don’t understand panic attacks, my family themselves are still trying to get their head around the whole thing. Once on a school camp I nearly drowned. I slipped under the water, feet failing to grip the stones at the bottom and then I was under. I remember trying desperately to reach the surface, my chest in pain as my lungs longed for air. My eyes wide open, staring at the sun smiling through the water.

I would say quite easily that the feelings I felt that day are very similar to those of when I panic. You don’t always need water to feel as if you are drowning.

When I panic it is like a sudden wave comes crashing over me, pushing me down so no air can get to my lungs,

Every time I surface, the tide tears me down, plunging me under again with each and every wave.

It feels like the waves are the weight of the world, the pressure which engulfs me,

Thoughts are hard to fathom when my mind is burdened, full; blurring my vision,

My stomach feels as if it is filled with caterpillars which turn into butterflies, unwanted, desperate to be free.

My heart pulsates, accelerating, never stopping to let my breath catch up,

my Hands tremble, struggling to keep still, trying to rid the bugs crawling under my skin,

Sweat begins to drip, eyes surrender to the tears escaping, freeing stored emotions that have been hiding away in deep dark places within.

My body suddenly feels empty, separate from my mind,

at this stage I have now lost control, numbness sweeps over me, and I am sure that this time will be the time when I die.

But as my breathing slows and the shaking begins to stop, a wave pushes me to the surface, letting air fill my lungs once again,

But the butterflies still remain, constant,

And that’s when the vulnerability takes over

I have lost count of how many panic attacks I have had, but the ones that stick out to me the most are my most terrifying ones.

The first one that jumps out at me was one of my first. I was visiting a cemetery at school with two friends. I don’t like cemeteries, but that’s normal right? I had to read all of the headstones to find certain names, but it was all becoming a bit too much for me. I have a fear of death, which isn’t very handy is it? I began to grow paranoid and the next minute I was just entirely freaking out. My vision went blurry and I was trembling like a mad man. This one sticks in my mind due to the situation, but many leave my mind and I forget about them.

My biggest and worst attack was a couple of months ago; I had had a rough day, I was very on edge and absolutely exhausted mentally and physically. I had an argument with my mum about something completely irrelevant and then before I knew it I felt the adrenaline pumping through my veins. The thing is, I know when I’m about to panic, it’s like a rumbling earthquake, it feels and sounds like a train hitting, yet my world starts to shake. But even though I know seconds before, I find it very difficult to get under control and stop before the volcano erupts. Standing on my kitchen floor, my world fell apart.

My breathing quickened, heart pounding, kalump, kalump, kalump. The pump of blood ringing through my ears. I began to tremble,  my whole body shaking vigorously. My stomach clenched, my muscles tightened and cramped. When you honestly can't breathe it has to be the scariest thing in the world. My lungs choked, searching for air, I felt like I was drowning. During this attack I don’t remember seeing anything, my mind was black, empty but so full. All of my senses were heightened, my ears screeching with the sounds of voices telling me to calm down. Breathe, breathe, breathe.

My hands tingled with no sensation, my whole body felt as if the blood was no longer circulating.

For 10 minutes I sat on the black and white tiles, in a pool of my own tears shaking like a lunatic. The thing is, I honestly thought I was going to die. I know it is impossible to die from a panic attack, Yet my mind screams for help, my voice screams too, trying to escape the haunting thoughts. Death, death, death. Its like my mind is trying to rip itself free from my body.

That was one of the worst nights of my life.

After this I didn't panic for a while, I went almost 2 months without experiencing a panic attack; that was until recently.

I have only ever had three panic attacks at school, two in a hallway where onlookers watched on with a worried look in their eye. My third only a few weeks ago. I had had a bad week, as simple as that. My anxiety had been at an all time high and I was struggling to cope with everything that was going on. Sitting in class I knew it was coming, I heard the train rumble. Trying to calm down I took deep breaths. In and out, in and out. “Not in class” I told myself “not here”. But of course it came and oh how it came.

When I am at my worst I find it difficult to be in positions where I can not get away, I don’t like being in small cramped places; so its very important for me to get outside and have fresh air. My body succumbed to the numb, my face, my toes, my hands all tingling. When you are in panic mode you always think the worst. Always. I was determined I was dying once again; it’s scary to be inside a mind that thinks it will shut down at any second.

 

Vulnerability is a large portion of the emotion I feel after experiencing a panic attack, its kind of like my whole body is so on edge its terrified. For the hours after I live in constant anxiety that I will experience another attack, the weight of the anxiety holds me down, I struggle to breathe and keep a clear head. Having a panic attack is utterly exhausting, like I have run a marathon. My body aches, my chest feels tight, my head feels heavy and my eyes flutter, struggling to stay open. It always takes me a day or two to fully recover.

For me over-thinking is the worst part of my anxiety. Sure everybody over-thinks, but for somebody with anxious tendencies, over thinking can literally be the death of them. Imagine being in a small crowded room, there are people everywhere, you push your head up trying to let air into your lungs as people push and pull you. Their constant chatter is growing louder until it turns into shouts, a million different conversations are happening at once. You look around for a way out, any sort of exit, but each wall holds no exit, there is no chance of escape. The walls of hell start to creep in, the room begins to get smaller and smaller, the shouting turn to screams. You can not make sense of anything and you are scared. That is my mind, tormenting and torturing me, its like my brain has too many tabs open and I can not close them off. When I over-think my mind screams for freedom, yet there is no escape. Sometimes the quiet is violent, like I am suffocating from my own thoughts.

Anxiety is a horrible emotion, it rages through me at ninety miles per hour, sometimes I feel as there is no way out, no way for it to let me be, that the constant battle with my own mind will never be over. But then I remember that there is always, always a light, and then I’m okay again.”  

For those who suffer from anxiety or depression I want you to realise that it is okay to ask for help. I know of many people who just wait and wait, hoping it will get better. Sometimes it will, but it many cases it won’t. I have never been one to be scared of asking for help, I have seen the doctor and am happy to admit that I get medical and Psychiatrist help; this is what personally works for me, but everyone is different. Don’t be afraid to talk to someone, I have no doubt that they will want to support you.

What helps me?

- Deep breathing. This can be very hard to do when you are panicking, but is very important as if you do not slow down your breathing it can cause you to pass out.

- I like to get away from the situation, take a walk and get some fresh air.

- Sleep. I find myself feeling very tired after panicking and enjoy just curling up in bed and taking a break.

- There are many great apps out there that can help. I personally use Calm and Smiling mind. These are great to use for breathing, meditation and relaxation.

- Talk it out. If you feel up to it, don’t hesitate to chat to somebody you trust and let out everything you are feeling. Have a cup of tea and laugh with friends or family.

- Write down my worries and concerns. I find this helps me to clear my head and is very helpful in recovering from anxiety or panic attacks.

For those who know somebody suffering from something like anxiety or panic attacks and may want to know how to help them, all you need to do is be there.

My family really struggled at the beginning, to be quite honest they were really terrible at supporting me which led me to be disappointed; but now I have discovered that they just didn't know how to help. They were as scared as me and couldn't get their head around this as it was something they had never witnessed before. As someone who knows what it is like to panic i can give you a few tips.

- Remain calm as much as you can. Witnessing a panic attack can be overwhelming, but you will be no help at all if you too go into panic mode and freak out.

- Ask what you can do to help, don’t assume they want to do something, because they may not.

- Be patient

-  Help them to breathe and slowly. Deep breaths are key

- If they want to be alone, let them.

- Remember that it’s not their fault. Do not show any disappointment or annoyance when panic strikes or if they don't feel they can't do something.

-  Be supportive and reassuring. After a panic attack, the person may feel down, depressed, angry, insecure and have low self esteem. this is normal, but it is your job to make them feel safe, secure know that they are great.
- DO NOT tell them to calm down or to stop panicking. Remember it is not that simple.

Experiencing anxiety and panic is scary, but please remember that you are not alone and that there will always be someone there to help you, If not do not hesitate to contact me.
No matter how down it can make you feel remember that you are an amazing human being who deserves to live a happy and content life. You can overcome such troubles and get through the dark spots in life.
If you are supporting someone who may be feeling a tad rough - Thank you!

For another week, Lots of love..

Lucia xxxx