Self Help.

I am so, so proud of myself.

It's crazy to think about how much you can grow as a person. I haven't told many people this, but around 11 months ago I started to struggle with comfort eating and binge eating. I have always loved food, I have always been a person who went to food for comfort, who could consume huge amounts of food, hoping to fill the void inside of me; so really you could say I have always struggled. But around this time last year it got really bad. Food wasn't enjoyed anymore, it was just eaten, consumed, and quickly. If I was sad, I would eat, if I was bored I would eat, angry - eat, anxious - eat; you get the idea. Food became everything to me, it got to the point where food was all I could think about, all I "needed".
I would constantly crave unhealthy food, eat it and then feel angry and disappointed with myself. It was this huge never-ending cycle of self hate and self disapproval. I saw myself, Lucia slipping away, gaining more weight, losing self worth and hiding in my house, sleeping all day. I no longer recognised myself in the mirror, only saw someone I didn't like, and it sucked.
This carried on for months and months, I would consume huge amounts of food, eat it and still never feel satisfied. What I was looking for was something I could never achieve by eating.
After what feels like a lifetime of feeling miserable, I finally asked for help. I saw my health getting worse, my mirror image getting more and more unlike the way I wanted it to be, and my mind basically more fucked up.
I was sick of feeling judged, sad and gross, so I had to make a change.

My doctor; after witnessing my weight on the scales surge, referred me to the eating disorders clinic, something I knew would be well and truly worth while.

After a full health check, and a psychiatric assessment, it was determined I was on the verge of having a binge eating disorder, I was close, the habits were there, but the amounts of food I ate, just weren't quite enough to diagnose me with an eating disorder. Of course I was happy, but also disappointed because clearly I wasn't suitable to join the programme. But luckily I actually was, I couldn't be a part of a weekly group session but I was able to have six sessions with a psychiatrist and two with a dietician. I was so happy because after so long of desperately wanting help, needing help, I was going to receive it.

Six sessions later, after learning about automatic negative thoughts, thinking errors and delving to the bottom of my problem, I walked away a different person. The sessions covered all sorts of things including self respect, body image and food diaries - all things I have taken with me and will never forget.

At the start I filled in a form, answering questions about my situation, my eating, self image and mental state. At the end I filled in that exact same form and the difference was astonishing. At the beginning I was a girl who hated who she was, couldn't control myself from eating a whole packet of biscuits and was severely depressed. At the end sat a girl who had found out so much about herself, learnt life long tools, and who had hope.
One of the best things about the clinic was that it was never about weight. If I ever mentioned weight I was told it didn't matter, because it doesn't. From being someone who has always worried about the number on the scale, it is extremely freeing to know that is not a concern.
Going to the eating clinic and throwing myself into those sessions would have to be one of the best things I have ever done, and I am so grateful to the team who helped me come out the other side.

Its been about three months now since I finished my sessions, I haven't comfort ate or binged since. I enjoy food again, eat mindfully and allow myself to treat myself. I had terrible black and white thoughts about food; some was good, some was bad. Its not that simple, and it doesn't have to be that straightforward. Treats are good, in small doses they help you enjoy life. Food doesn't have to be something that worries you, its made for energy, to help nourish the body.
Since leaving the clinic I have meal planned, but am slowly letting myself go with the flow, I can now handle temptation, I don't let it worry me, I can just live again.
I have also learnt the importance of self love and respect, I feel like a free woman, I am so much more relaxed, energised and I am actually starting to lose weight. I feel fantastic.

The reason I am feeling so proud tonight, is because I am doing junk free June - and I just realised how bloody cool that actually is. Even though it kind of goes against some of the things I learnt at the clinic, I have taken control and am rocking it. Over the last 15 days I have had no cravings, can step away from the Oreo chocolate currently sitting in my fridge. I have eaten good, healthy, home cooked meals that I can actually enjoy.
I have come such a long way on my journey, and I can't wait to see what else I can do!!