Dear mum.
It has now been one year since you took your last breath, one year since we said goodbye, one year since my heart tore in two.
What a bloody day mum, all those people turned up for you, all of those people brought love and support. Why? Because you were special, because you made people feel special.
I can't quite put into words how I am feeling right now, tired for one, but I also feel pride, contentment and happiness. I don't feel sad, and I can't figure out if I should or not. I think you would prefer I wasn't, so I'll stick to that. I just wonder how I could possibly be sad when today was filled with so much joy; I am sad of course you were not there to share it, but I won't dwell on things, what's the point?
You were a beaken of light, a token of joy, an angel taken far too early. But you were taken, as unfair and hideous as it is, it happened, and I know that wherever you are, you will be happy, just annoyed you missed out on all the fun and food. All the stories told are great, you went through life, a ball of fun and mischief.
You said everything happens for a reason, right up until you passed, you always stood by that saying. Although I disagree in some parts, I do realise that if it weren't for what happened, many things would be different. I would not be following the path I am, would not be going to study nursing. It was you that always told me I should be a nurse, and it was me that never listened. It was you that made me realise I could probably do it, and you that gave me the strength to make the biggest decision I have made.
It is because of your sickness and death that dad and I have grown so close, have bonded over mutual ground and become a team. It is because of you that Fletcher is so focussed and driven to succeed, which I know will make you proud. Sometimes I hear your voice on the sideline, and know you are there cheering him on.
It is because of you that Lillian is such a strong, resilient young girl, full of love, excitement and curiosity.
It is because of you that I look for the good and don't dwell on the bad; why I use these things as reasons, because I have nothing else to justify the situation.
This year has been full of hardship, grief and love; thats all I can say. I have grown in ways I never knew possible, have learnt how to become who I want to be, have learnt how important the simple things in life are.
I see you in myself everyday; the things that used to annoy me about you, I notice myself doing. It's crazy how that happens. I do most of what I do for you mum, because you will always be my reason.
Today just showed how awesome you were, how you touched so many peoples lives. Not many people could say they that their mum is as well loved as you, but I can.
I hope I make you proud, I hope you watch down on us all and smile, or laugh at our mistakes. I hope you are happy, and that the ice-cream is good up there.
I miss you every second, but I am okay. When you left I thought I would never be happy again, but I am. Thank you for all that you taught me, and continue to teach me. Please visit me in a dream soon.
All my love, forever and always,
Lucia xxxx
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