Dear mum,
I have written many letters to you in my life, apology notes, that I have slided under your bedroom door, saying sorry for calling you a bitch, sorry for complaining about dinner, sorry for lying. I have written letters saying that you hurt me and that I deserve an apology. I have written all sorts of letters to you my dear mother, but none, quite like this one.
I have just come home from visiting you at the hospital where you are okay, well as okay as you can be I guess. I want to once again say sorry. Sorry that the world has literally fucked you over, sorry that you have to go through bad time after bad time, sorry that the hurdles you have to jump are so bloody big, and also sorry that cancer is such a bitch.
I have watched you all my life, from the moment I can remember I thought you were the most beautiful person, inside and out; and to this day i still feel the same. When I was little I thought you had the voice of an angel, but have learnt that, you most definitely don't. I have watched people around you, literally flock to be your friend, watched as kids said "man, your mum is so funny, I wish mine was like that." I have watched you for 18 years, and still you are the most glorious thing I have ever laid my eyes on.
You are my mother, have nursed me, changed me, burped me. You have also taught me how to be a decent person. How to lust over boys, how to dress for my body, make mistakes and learn from them. You have always been my teacher, and best friend, and that will never change.
As I see you grow weak, the only thing that hurts is the thought of losing my best friend, the person I would do anything to be with forever; you see, I daydream about being accidentally hit by a car, if it means being forever with you. Of course, I could never be so stupid, because you taught me, that I have so many things to live for, and so do you.
I just want to tell you how much you mean to me, not to make you sad or scared, just to tell you that you really are my light. Thinking about losing you breaks my heart, but even when it does eventually happen, I know you will be forever by my side, as we have had this discussion.
In the dictionary it states a mother is "A woman in relation to a child or children to whom she has given birth."
But you, my friend have been so much more than that. And though we clash at times, and have made each other cry, there is no one else in this world that I want to be happier than you. You have only ever been a good person, a fun loving, joyous soul that people adore, and I know that will never change.
I sometimes feel that after you leave I will not be okay, and maybe I wont for a while, but I believe after a bit, I truly will be, because if I am anything like you, I will be incredibly strong.
I see you in the hospital, looking after other patients, making the nurses laugh, and I look in the mirror, and tell myself that If i can ever be half as awesome as you, I will be incredible.
You and I are so alike, I get told it every day. We even look alike, think alike and laugh alike. I hope you know that no matter what I do in life, that will be my greatest achievement.
But don't get sad, mum, because this is not a letter for sadness, because I still have hope, still have belief that you will be okay. Because while you have tubes sticking out of you, and a body that is slowly becoming your worst enemy, you still look like sunshine, and I cant see how that will ever end. God has to know that you are one in a million, you mum, are someone special. I feel that even though it may not seem like it right now, there has to be a miracle, surely it has to happen that way.
But I want to say, that no matter what happens I will survive, and so will everyone around me. Lillian will be fine, she will grow into a fantastic woman, full of strength and love that she got from you. Fletcher will succeed, I know he will make you proud, dad will always love you, and he will always have us. And me, well I will be okay, because I will do everything I can to make sure you would be happy.
A mother-daughter love is a strong bond, something that can not be broken, and I am lucky to have such a wonderful mother. I think of you always, even though I have left home, you are always in my heart, and I cant wait to see you in a couple of days, and for years and years to come.
I dont know what else to say, other that you are the most important person to me, and I love you so much. You know that feeling you have when you hold a baby animal, the feeling where you adore it so much you just want to squeeze it? yeah, well thats how I feel about you. No matter who I love, you will always, always hold the biggest part.
So there we go, I feel better now, a letter from me to you. A letter written in love.
Be forever strong, as you are forever loved.
Lucia xxxxxxx (could go on forever)
"Like flowers ache for spring,
My heart craves my mother
more than anything."
- Rupi Kaur
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