A letter to my mother 2.0

On Thursday I spoke at my own mothers memorial, it was the hardest day of my life, but also one of the best, as I was surrounded my hundreds of fantastic people as we celebrated my beautiful mums life.

My mum was the most important person to me and if I am ever half the person she was I will be extremely proud and happy. I miss her immensely, so wanted to share what I read at the memorial, as a few have requested I post it.

This is a letter to my mother 2.0.

SIDENOTE: As i went up to speak, I tripped up and nearly pushed the stand thingy right over, it was both hilarious and humiliating; definitely a Miranda moment. hahah.

"As you can imagine I was quite nervous about writing this because I really wasn’t sure if I would be able to stand up and read it. Before I start I would just like to say thank you to everyone who has supported myself and my family over the last months and days, you all have been utterly fantastic and I know how much you all meant to mum. And on behalf of my family, Thank you to everyone who has come today, I think by looking around you can capture what mum was like as a person!

Now if you follow my blog you will know that a while ago I wrote a letter to mum called a letter to my mother, so I guess this is a letter to my mother 2.0.

Mum, I am writing to you again, just as I wrote to you before, it is a shame that you never got to read that letter, and will not read this one either, but I hope you are listening right now.

It has been a hard 8 months hasn’t it mum, you went through a journey that most people would never cope with, you struggled with all sorts of ups and downs and I still cant understand how you still managed to smile every day. Your smile was like a ray of sunshine, which lit up a room, it was a smile full of warmth and love, of generosity and kindness, of laughter and joy. You wore that smile with pride, even in your last breaths you went to sleep with a little smile on your face.

Mum, you have always been a beautiful person to me; I loved you since the first moment I laid eyes on you and that will never change. You taught me how to care, how to love and how to be myself, you never failed to tell me when I was wrong, but never stopped loving me despite my flaws. You were the best mum to fletcher, Lillian and I, we really couldn’t have asked for anything more. You were my mother, teacher and best friend. I told you everything, no matter what I could never seem to keep a secret from you, apart from when I told you fletcher ate all the biscuits and it was actually me. That happened quite a lot. You supported me in everything I did, and was proud of me for just being me.

I tried to think of stories to tell, but found it hard as currently my mind is all a blur, but all I know is that we had fun. A ridiculous amount of fun, and you were an angel, just like you are now. You have always loved being home, and making the most of the little things in life. I know this because whenever we asked to go out to do something fun, you would want to stay home to do the garden, and try to persuade us into helping out. It never worked.

I only got to share 18 years with you, and for that I will be angry for a while, why were you taken? Why does it have to be so unfair? I ask these questions often, and never get a reply, but like you always told me “everything happens for a reason, and while we might not understand it now, one day we will.”

Im not yet sure how to live without you; how to go about things without you next to me.  You are no longer here, but there, and there doesn’t know how lucky it is. I feel as though I have been robbed, as if we have all been robbed. And while I think of my wedding day, and when my children are born and feel sad, I only have to think of you to know you are there.

I am so glad I got to spend your last week by your side, and I mean I literally didn’t leave your side did I? I nursed you and talked to you so much that I think you must have been sick of me by the end.  That week was the hardest for all of us,  but I will treasure it always.

I always thought my heart would first be broken by a boy, but no it was broken by my own mother, but no fault is yours, as you were strong till the end, and you will never understand how proud I am of you.

You and I are so alike, I get told it every day. We even look alike, think alike and laugh alike. I hope you know that no matter what I do in life, that will always be my greatest achievement.

And so you are gone, and as my heart aches I want to make you a promise. I promise to make you proud, I promise to stand by our family’s side, to look after dad, fletcher and Lillian, who I also know will make you very proud. I promise to talk to you often, and I hope you one day visit me. Lastly until we meet again, and forever more, I will always, always love you."

So there we have it. Now I may write more letters in the future, but don't worry I will get back to happy, fun posts soon! 

Lots of love, Lucia xxxxx